Walking it Off

What up peeps, DK here. Sorry for the not getting around to the recap of last week’s game sooner but shit’s been crazy at Casa de Kimbrough the past few days. One of mom’s cats ran away so she made me hang up a bunch of “lost” signs all over the neighborhood. Like she really needs to find Captain Whiskerbottom or whatever the fuck she calls him. She’s got four other cats that do nothing but piss on the carpet and make the house smell like a god damn chicken coop. Hopefully the rest of them run away too.

Anyway, I know you guys really came here to find out how your boy Donnie Kickball and his squad did last week, and you shall not be disappointed! So the team we played last week was actually from our company’s other branch across town. Needless to say, I’ve had this one circled on my calendar for a while. And there was no way that douche-tard Noah was stealing my thunder this week. I was gonna tell Janelle and Dowripple to suck on my nuts if they wanted Noah to alternate innings with me again but Damon, our third baseman, is in El Paso for a trade show so they stuck Noah there.

We got off to a bit of a rocky start as the other team jumped out to a 4-0 lead in the first inning thanks in no small part to a throwing error by Noah. I don’t know how many times I have to tell everyone to just HOLD ONTO THE BALL IF YOU DON’T HAVE A PLAY!! God I hate that guy…

But fear not, Donnie Kickball wasn’t about to let some amateur sink his ship. I came up in the bottom of the 3rd with the bases jacked and sent one deep into right field. The girl out there tried to make a catch but the ball went through her hands and bounced right off her face and into foul territory. That’s right, a bases clearing triple to bring us within one. Janelle came up after me and popped out to the pitcher to end the inning, but there was a little magic left for Kick Balls Deep.

We tied the game in the 5th and by the bottom of the 6th and we were up against the time limit, so we knew this was our last chance. I was the third kicker due up, so I figured if just one person could get on base in front of me, I could drive them in and win this thing. Miguel from HR was the first one up and he tried to bunt to get on, but their pitcher had a rocket arm and threw him out at first. Jamie, my cubemate, was up next and she popped out to the 3rd baseman. I came up knowing my team’s fate was on the line, so I was going to make sure I got a good pitch. I worked it to a 3-1 count and knew I was in the pitcher’s head. He rolled ball four outside so I began to trot to first. As I was going I noticed none of the infielders were paying much attention so as soon as I got to first I took off sprinting toward 2nd and dove in safely just in front of a throw from the pitcher. That’s right, your boy stole second on a walk in kickball! Our secretary, Samantha came up after me and blooped one over the first baseman’s head and I came screaming around 3rd and into home for the winning run.

Walk it off Balls Deep, that was a good one.

Losers Lose for a Reason

Yo yo yo. Donnie Kickball here. And that right there? That was some horse crap.

So I get up early this morning for my game day rituals (gotta carbo load for peak performance) and to get into “Warrior Mode” before work. I know most people think athletes and their superstitions are silly, but better to have a gun and not need it than need a gun and not have it, right? But Mom decided to do wash last night without bothering to throw the stuff in the dryer, so I have to come back home after work before the game to get my lucky sweatbands. I should have known right there we were cursed.

So I go to work and I make my weekly rounds. I go to everyone on the team’s cube and yell “Game Day, Baby! Game Day!” while doing the drum solo from “I Can Feel It Coming in the Air Tonight” on their desks. You’ve got to keep the team pumped, you know? Get them in the right mind set and shit.

Well the last one I go to is always Janelle in Accounts Receivable, since her office is farthest from mine. Bitch thinks she is the coach or something just because Mr. Dowripple put her in charge of getting the team organized, paying the people who run the league and sending out the email announcements about the games. It takes more than some e-mail winkie faces to put together a winning kickball team.

When I go to pump her up, she is all passive aggressive and like “Heeeeyyyyy… Have you met Noah yet?” Turns out this guy got hired Monday and has already tried weaseling his way onto my team. Janelle said “He says he used to play for his old company’s team. Mr. Dowripple thinks it would be a good way to welcome him if we were to let him pitch tonight.”

“Fuck that, you fucking bitch. This team has one pitcher, one leader, one all-star, and that’s me. You want to welcome Noah? Blow him like you did everybody else, you cocksucking whore.”

OK, I didn’t say that, but I thought it, and she could tell. She could read every word of it on my face, cause she immediately starts backpedaling, talking about alternating innings. So I am like “Hell no!” except I say it different, because we had a seminar last year about casual swearing in the workplace. Apparently the Company is against it…

So I say I’ll think about it, but I give her that look that says “I ain’t thinking about shit, bitch.” But I don’t think she got it, cause like two hours later, this guy swings down to Data Processing and is like “You must be Donnie… I guess we’re gonna be playing some kickball together tonight!”

Guy is trying to be all friendly and charming, but the asshole can’t pull it off. Condescending prick comes into my house and tries to be my friend? I’ll have none of it. So I just sit back and raise my eyebrows at him. Let him keep talking. I am not going to respond. He gives some song and dance about being glad to be on the team and looking forward to the games and all. I pretty much just shined him on. But I won’t lie. Dude got in my head.

And that’s what made game time so shitty. Knowing I was only playing half the game completely threw my mojo off. Usually I spend the warm-ups stretching and staring down the other team, psyching them out, but I clearly didn’t have my stuff.

Don’t get me wrong… I played stellar defense in my innings and went four for five at the plate with six RBIs and three runs. Like I said before: All-Star. But my head wasn’t in the game like I needed. Noah did OK, but he just doesn’t have my pitching repertoire. He pretty much just had one pitch: Left hand spin. What is that shit? This ain’t grade school recess. Me? I was busting out the Backhand Roll, Rolling Thunder, the Drop Down Hammer, and I nearly perfected my Money Shot. A little more game-time practice, and I will have more K’s than alphabet soup (practicing at home doesn’t have the same pressures as the real games).

With this amateur at the mound half the time, of course we lose. I managed to keep it close, but we were down after the first inning and never made it back. The rest of the team headed out to the bar for a post-game cocktail, but I was in no mood to have to stare into Noah’s smug face. I don’t know what the hell he was smiling about. We fucking lost. I took my game film and went home.

First thing I did when I walked in the door is tell my mom if she ever washes my sweatbands the night before a game again, I am moving the hell out.

Welcome to Kicking for the Cycle

Welcome to my blog "Kicking for the Cycle." I've been playing kickball for about 6 years now and I decided to start chronicling mine and my team's accomplishments. I've been really successful on the kickball diamond, but have yet to win a league championship. And I play about four seasons a year! Hopefully all that will change soon, we've put a really good team together for this season and we're starting to gel very nicely. I hope to feature some other players on the team on this blog down the road.

If you're wondering what you can look forward to on this blog, the most regular feature will be my weekly game recaps (still thinking of a name for those posts, let me know if you have a suggestion!). I'll also be awarding "The D Bead" every week in these posts. The D Bead is a necklace with a bead with the letter D on it. It will go to the player who played the best defense for our squad for the week. Other than that I'll try to keep you all updated on other news in the kickball world and whatever else is going on in the life of Donnie Kickball.

Stay tuned and thanks for stopping by.

-Donnie Kimbrough